Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Cliff Notes
by somedayangeline
Summary: Cliff note version of Book Seven. Enjoy.


_Harry Potter and the Deathly Halllows: The Cliff Notes Version_

Disclaimer: These aren't my characters; I'm merely borrowing them.

_Chapter One: The Dark Lord Ascending_

Voldemort: "Come in major character, Severus Snape and minor character Yaxley. Welcome to Malfoy Manor. Now what do you have for me?"

Yaxley: "Don't look at me, I don't even rate a first name."

Severus Snape; "My Lord, the Potter boy will not be moved until the night before he turns seventeen. He'll be moved to the house of an Order member. This will involve disguises, possibly involving wigs and colored contacts."

V.: "You get a gold star, my faithful spy. Very good."

SS: "As long as you don't torture me like that minor character tied up by Wormtail over there."

V.: "Not tonight. Lucius, give me your wand."

Lucius Malfoy: "My…my….wand?"

V: "Now! Hand it over. I need it to kill Potter….Something the matter, Draco?"

DM shakes his head.

V.: "I bet you had fun at Lupin and Tonks' wedding. Pick many hairs out of the cake?"

DM: "No….no, my Lord."

V.: "Okay, Severus, torture time! Kill this Muggle studies teacher now."

SS: "Avada Kedavra! This causes me no qualms considering I have never met the teacher before in my life. And neither have the readers."

V: "Dinner, Nagini. Would you like some nice Chianti, as well?"

_Chapter Two: In Memoriam_

Harry at home, as usual reading the _Exposition Times: _"Oh, how I will miss Privet Drive –not. Hmm, look at this article about Dumbledore. Funny how you never think about teachers having actual lives outside school. It sounds like he was a great man who lived a troubled life. Now here's an utterly biased article about him from Rita Skeeter. No surprises there."

_Chapter Three: The Dursleys Departing_

HP: "Well, bye, guys. I'm sure going to miss you all – not."

Dudley Dursley: "Where're you going, Harry?"

Vernon Dursley: "He's going with his posse of magical wackjobs. We're going into hiding because Voldemort might attack us. Good riddance to a waste of space."

DD: "Harry's not a waste of space!"

Petunia Dursley: "Dear little Dudders!"

DD: "Mum, lose the baby talk. It's getting old."

_Chapter Four: The Seven Potters_

The entire Order posse: Weasleys, Hermione, Tonks and Lupin, Fleur, Mad Eye Moody, Kingsley Shacklebolt, Hagrid and Mundungus Fletcher all congregate in Aunt Petunia's kitchen.

MEM: "Harry, your mother's protective charm that she cast the night she was killed will break once you turn seventeen. So we're going to move you before than to Tonks' parents Also, six of us are going to disguise ourselves as you, to throw the Death Eaters off our trail."

HP: "Cool! No, wait, this sounds risky."

MEM: "We haven't any other choice."

Later Harry and Hagrid take the magical motorbike to the Safe Location, only Hedwig gets killed by a Death Eater.

HP: "Hedwig! You've stuck with me since my first trip to Diagon Alley and through all my adolescent angst, and now this!"

Hagrid: "Unfortunately, this is only the start of the casualties."

_Chapter Five: Fallen Warrior_

Ted Tonks: "Welcome, Harry. How did the Death Eaters know you were coming tonight?"

HP: "Haven't the slightest."

Hagrid: "Blimey, Harry, thought you were a goner, for sure."

HP: "No, I'm fine. But now we must use a Portkey to return to the magical posse. As I have just returned to safety, this does not make a great deal of sense, but what the heck?"

Remus Lupin: "Unfortunately, George Weasley, that irrepressible prankster has lost an ear in his attempt to confuse Voldemort."

GW: "Holey moley, so I have. Sheesh, where did it Gogh? Get it, _van Gogh_?"

Fred Weasley: "Uh, bro, your accident hasn't improved your jokes."

Bill Weasley: "And that's not all. Mad-Eye Moody is dead."

They toast Mad-Eye with firewhiskey.

Harry has a Voldy-vision in which he discovers that Voldemort couldn't kill him because his wand didn't work. Also, this is only Chapter Five.

_Chapter Six: The Ghoul in Pajamas_

RW: "Here's a ghoul I've enchanted to look sort of like me with spattergroit, which is pretty much the same as Muggle measles. That way anyone from the Ministry comes here to check on my story, they'll be totally fooled!"

HP: "Hey, I bet it was Snape who betrayed us."

HG: "By now, even I believe he's pure evil. Now I must sort through our textbooks and decide which we should take with us."

HP: "Keep in mind that they can get heavy."

HG: "Oh no. I have a Magic Bag in which I can pack anything I want. Plus I also got all Dumbledore's on Horcuxes."

RW: "Can you put yourself back after you separate your soul into Horcuxes?"

HG: "You can, but you need to feel true remorse. This is what's called heavy foreshadowing, guys."

HP: "Huh?"

_Chapter Seven: The Will of Albus Dumbldore_

HP: "Hey, I had another Voldy-vision. He's searching for Gregorovitch, a wand maker."

RW: "Whatever. Here's your birthday present: a book on how to pick up chicks by magic."

HP: "Cool, man. You know even though I am a powerful wizard, I really am just a hormone-riddled teen at heart."

RW: "Me too, mate. Now let's have a party."

HP: "Thanks for the cake and gifts, guys. Knowing I am about to set forth on a perilous journey makes this and the wedding for Fleur and Bill even more poignant."

Rufus Scrimgeour popping in: "Sorry to intrude, but I have the will of Albus Dumbledore. Ron, he left you a Deluminator, Hermione, a children's book called _Tales of Beedle the Bard_, and to Harry, the first Snitch he ever caught."

HP: "Cool!"

HG: "It makes perfect sense that he would give me a children's book considering that I stopped reading them at the age of five and turned to Tolstoy instead."

RW: "I haven't a clue about my gift either. Maybe it'll come in handy those times where I'm all settled down and don't feel like getting up to turn on the lights."

HP: "Hey, isn't there a Muggle invention like that? It's called The Clapper."

RS: "He also wanted to give you the Sword of Gryffindor but because I'm a petty, mean-spirited bureaucrat, I've found a loophole to avoid doing as he wished." Leaves in a huff.

HP: "Look at this writing on the Snitch: _I open at the close_. Whatever could it mean?"

HG: "I'm sure we'll find out eventually. But it's only Chapter Seven."

_Chapter Eight: The Wedding_

Luna Lovegood: "Hello, Harry. Meet my eccentric father, Xenophilius."

Victor Krum: "Hi, remember me? Vat a filthy man that Xenopihilius."

HP: "No, he's actually a nice guy."

VK: "He vears the mark of Grindelvald, the Dark vizard Dumbledore defeated. It's a triangular eye. The guy is a murderer – he killed my grandfather."

Auntie Exposition: "Hello, all. I am perpetually critical and always think the worst of everyone. I will now launch into a long speech agreeing with everything Rita Skeeter wrote about Dumbledore and embellishing it. For example, little brother Aberforth had a goat fetish and a little sister, Ariana, who was mad and kept locked away. Bathilda Bagshot, who used to live near the Dumbledores, told all this to Rita Skeeter. And you thought Aunt Petunia was a busybody, Harry."

Kingsley Shacklebolt's Patronus: "The Ministry has fall. Scrimgeour is dead. They are coming."

_Chapter Nine: A Place to Hide_

HP: "Where are we?"

HG: "Some random place with lots of drunk, leering Muggles. Let's get coffee so we won't look too conspicuous, despite our robes."

RW: "This cappuccino tastes like slug slime. I thought you told me Muggle coffee was good."

HG: "Well, this is just a hole in the wall café. Some other time, when we're not on the run, I'll take you to a Starbucks."

At 12 Grimmauld Place, Order headquarters.

Harry has a Voldy-vision in which he sees the Dark Lord forcing Draco to torture captives.

HP: "He's a prat, but he doesn't deserve that. Guess it's time for bed."

_Chapter Ten: Kreacher's Tale_

HP: "Hmm, look at the teenage Sirius's old room. Lots of pinups of bikes and chicks. Here's a photo of him and my dad at school. Also a letter from my mum after I was born. Unfortunately, it's torn, and I can't find the other end."

Harry wanders back into the hall. "Hey, look, here's a sign by a guy called Regulus Arcturus Black. Sirius's brother who was killed by Death Eaters. This must be his bedroom. And _he _must be the guy who wrote that paper that was in the Horcrux. This story is getting more convoluted by the minute."

Kreacher: "Ah, Harry Potter, what are you doing here with the blood-traitor Weasley and the filthy Mudblood?"

HP: "Stop it. Did you steal a gold locket in the drawing room that we originally threw out? You did."

Kreacher: "Once upon a time, there was a noble boy named Regulus who sent his faithful elf, Kreacher to serve the Dark Lord at the same cave where Dumbledore and Harry went in Book Six. He made Kreacher drink the basin, then left him. Regulus came after and told Kreacher to switch lockets. Regulus was killed by the Dark Lord, and Kreacher couldn't figure out the right spell to open the locket. However, it has since been stolen by Mundungus Fletcher, a character who never gets more than a token appearance despite his thievery."

HP: "Okay, go and get this Fletcher guy, please, Kreacher."

Kreacher: "You may have said please, but I loathe you anyway. Bye."

_Chapter Eleven: The Bribe_

Remus Lupin: "Hello, kids. I'm afraid we're being watched. We all escaped from the Death Eaters – at least this time. They've taken over the Ministry, and the Muggle-born Register is mandatory for anyone from a non-magical family."

HP: "So how's Tonks?"

RL: "She's pregnant. I'm going to leave her and come with you."

HP: "Coward! A true father stays with his family."

Lupin leaves in a huff.

HP: "Hey, it's Mundungus Fletcher."

MF: "I don't have the locket, sir. It was taken off of me by a Ministry woman who looked exactly like a toad."

Readers: "I guess Umbridge didn't get killed by centaurs in the last book, after all."

_Chapter Twelve: Magic is Might_

HP: "In the _Exposition Times, _it says Severus Snape has become Hogwarts' new headmaster. Plus several Death Eaters have also taken teaching posts there."

HG: "Merlin's pants!"

Readers: "Is that like _Merlin's beard _only worse?"

HG: "Anyway, I've got a plan so we can sneak into the Ministry and get the locket from Umbridge."

En route to the Ministry

RW: "Oh, look, we've got to flush ourselves in using toilets in order to get there now. How wacky."

HP: "In Muggle schools, it's called giving someone a swirly. Less humiliating than the Bat Bogey Hex but still not much fun."

RW: "Hey, look at my hair! Did you bring a comb?"

Once in the Ministry, disguised as wizards and witches, they are forced to split up, due to being mistaken for Ministry employees.

_Chapter Thirteen: The Muggle-Born Registration Commission_

Delores Umbridge to Hermione: "Mafalda, you are on trial for the crime of being Muggle-born. How do you plead; guilty or guilty?"

HG: "Not guilty. And by the way, Mr. Rogers called, and he wants his cardigan back. Oops, Muggle reference."

While Harry plays junior detective, Umbridge puts another Muggle-born on trial.

HP, returning: "Expecto Patronum!"

In the confusion, Hermione retrieves the locket, and they escape.

_Chapter Fourteen: The Thief_

HG: "Time for a camping trip, folks. Fortunately, I know every spell ever invented, so I'll make sure we're comfortable. Unfortunately, I can't cook with magic, though."

Harry has another Voldy-vision, in which he sees Voldemort ordering Gregorvitch to make him a wand, while a strange bloke steals an unidentifiable object.

_Chapter Fifteen: The Goblin's Revenge_

RW: "I'd almost rather have a frog's spawn than this mess.'

HG: "Fine, next time, _you _cook the breakfast. I'm not doing it all, just because I'm a girl."

HP: "Guys, let's pretend we're on a reality TV-show. We can each have a role. Hermione can be the Know-It-All, Ron can be the Wet Blanket, and I can be the Annoying Clueless Bloke. Every day, we'll vote someone new off the island."

HG: "If we do that, Harry, then in three days, there won't be any of us."

HG: "Hey, I hear voices. Get out those Extendable Ears."

They learn that the sword of Gryffindor in Dumbledore's office is a fake, Luna's dad is printing all the news the official Ministry papers won't. To make the night complete, they summon minor but still important character Phineas Nigellus from the Magic Bag and learn that Dumbledore used the sword to open a Horcrux.

HG: "Um, Ron, where are you going?"

RW: "I'm going to stomp off in a huff and not return for a few chapters, although up until now, I have been a loyal friend. See ya!"

_Chapter Sixteen: Godric's Hollow_

Harry and Hermione persevere, learning more from Phineas Nigellus that members of the former Dumbledore's Army are leading an underground rebellion against Snape's regime.

HG: "Let's go to Godric's Hollow. I hear they have great butterbeer."

HP: "Really?"

HG: "No, Harry. Godric Gryffindor was the founder of Gryffindor. Now do you get it?"

HP: "No wonder Ron left."

In the Godric's Hollow graveyard

HG: "I think it's Christmas Eve. Symbolism alert!"

HP: "Right as usual. Hey, here's my parents' headstones. And a saying: _The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death._ What's with all these sayings in this book?"

HG: "Don't worry. They'll be revealed in time."

_Chapter Seventeen: Bathlida's Secret_

In Bathilda Bagshot's house

HP: "Whew, it reeks in here. Don't you have a fumigation spell, Hermione?"

HG: "No. Aaah!"

Nagini bursts out of Bathilda and attacks.

Harry has a Voldy-vision in which he witnesses the deaths of his parents. When he wakes, his wand has been broken in the fight. Merry Christmas, kids!

_Chapter Eighteen: The Life and Lies of Albus Dumbledore_

Once upon a time, there was a little boy by the name of Albus Dumbledore who was very clever. He had a sister, who was mad, and a brother with a goat fetish. His father was in Azkaban for killing three Muggles. So naturally, he was the sort to compensate for his miserable home life by achieving excellence in everything he tried. After his mother died, Albus became the head of the family. During this time, he met a youth called Grindelwald, who became infamous as a Dark Wizard, and it is likely Albus shared his friend's evil doings. Then his sister died mysteriously. The end!

HG: "Harry, you must get over this habit of being ready to change your opinion of people on the flimsiest basis. Rita Skeeter is a hack. Remember what she wrote about you?"

HP: "I don't know what to believe any more."

_Chapter Nineteen: The Silver Doe_

Harry and Hermione move to the Forest of Dean, where Harry follows a silver doe to a pool in which there is a sword.

HP: "King Arthur had it easy. _He _didn't have to get soaked in the middle of winter. Oh well, here goes….Oh, Ron, you saved my life."

RW: "I got the sword, too."

HP: "Since we haven't had enough drama what with me almost dying, let's open the locket. And we'll have fun, fun, fun, until You-Know-Who comes and tries to kill us again."

HG: "You _prat_, Ron, how could you take off like that? I hate you."

HP: "Welcome back!"

_Chapter Twenty: Xenophilius Lovegood_

RW: "Harry, up until this book, you've gotten a real charge out of saying You-Know-Who's name while the rest of us wet ourselves. But there's a Trace on it, and You-Know-Who can find you if you use….well, you know."

XL: "Hello, children. Like my Crumpled-Horn Snorkack?"

HG: "No, it's actually a Erumpent horn, which could explode at any time. You must get rid of it. But first tell us why you wore that eye symbol at Bill and Fleur's wedding."

XL: "You mean the sign of the Deathly Hallows?"

HG: "I guess so."

XL: "Hah. I knew something you didn't!"

_Chapter Twenty-One: The Tale of the Three Brothers_

XL: "The symbol is harmless. It just shows other believers that you, too, are on a Quest."

HP: "Now we're back in _The Once and Future King _territory. What's next – a jousting tournament?"

XL: "Shut up. Once upon a time, there were three brothers who were traveling and met up with Death. Yes, folks, it was the Grim Reaper."

HP: "I bet that put a damper on things!"

XL: "Shut up. Now Death offered each brother a prize for crossing a river by magic. The oldest brother asked for a wand powerful enough to win every duel. The second brother asked for the power to recall others from Death. The third brother got a Cloak of Invisibility. Due to arrogance, the two eldest brothers lost their gifts: an Elder Wand and The Resurrection Stone, but the third kept his. Those are the three Deathly Hallows."

HG: "But that's only a story, right?"

XL: "You are narrow-minded in the extreme, Miss Granger. These things do exist, and the three brothers are based on real people. The Peverell brothers, in fact. But you should all stay for dinner."

HP: "Where's Luna?"

XL: "Off dancing barefoot with flowers in her hair. She'll be back."

HP: "Liar, liar, pants on fire. Everything in her room's covered with dust. You're going to turn us into the Ministry, aren't you?"

XL: "Um….well, if I do, they'll give me my Luna back."

Again, the three take off.

_Chapter Twenty-Two: The Deathly Hallows_

HP: "Gee, Mr. Lovegood's house has just exploded. Hope he's okay – not. By the way, Marvolo

Gaunt ring had the Peverell coat-of-arms on it. Also, Dumbledore was wearing the Invisibility Cloak the night my parents died. I'm descended from the Peverells. And You-Know-Who's after the Elder Wand."

HG: "Harry, you're a regular Encyclopedia Brown. Sorry, Muggle reference."

RW: "So it's back to our regular schedule of bickering and Apparating from random place to place. Hey guys, listen to this program I've found on the radio: _Potterwatch_."

HP: "Hey, that's our magical posse using aliases. Good to know they're okay and still fighting the good fight.."

Chapter Twenty-Three: Malfoy Manor 

Harry, Ron and Hermione are unexpectedly captured and taken to the Malfoy Manor.

HP: "This is all my fault – I said the name, thus activating the Trace. Sorry, guys."

Fenrir Greyback the werewolf: "What's your name, boy?"

HP: "Vernon Dudley."

FG: "Okay, we can work with that…wait, you wouldn't be _Harry Potter_ by any chance?"

HP: "Nah, this scar is just a temporary tattoo."

FG: "Draco, get over here and identify these three captives for me."

FG: "Are these the Undersirables: Harry, Ron and Hermione?"

DM: "Maybe. I really couldn't say."

FG: "You've been their classmate for six years, and yet you can't tell?"

DM: "Well, that _could _– I'm not saying it is – be Harry. Just maybe."

Bellatrix Lestrange: "What have we have here! Oh, goody. I'll torture Hermione upstairs, while you put the other two in the basement with the other captives."

RW: "Whoa, this Deluminator works!"

Dobby: "Hi all. Dobby has come to rescue Harry Potter and his friends. You see, house elves know how to Disapparate."

They escape, along with a few other characters who will be helpful in advancing the plot.

HP. "Dobby, don't die on me now…please."

Dobby: "That only works on TV, Harry Potter. It is time for us to say goodbye for good."

Readers: "Not Dobby, too! Stop killing off all these loveable characters, please, Ms. Rowling."

_Chapter Twenty-Four: The Wandmaker_

Griphook the Goblin: "Thanks for rescuing me, guys. Now I can provide some valuable clues in your never ending treasure hunt."

HP: "I need your help in order to break into the Lestranges' Gringotts' vault. Back at the manor, Bellatrix accused us of doing that. She must have something she wants to hide."

Griphook: "I'll think about it."

HP: "Mr. Ollivander, who we also rescued, could you identify these three wands?"

MO: "Sure thing. Draco's, Wormtail's and Bellatrix's. By wand law, they're all yours now.

Also, Dumbledore has the Elder Wand, at least he _had _it."

HP: "Let's see, Horcruxes, Hallows, wacky sayings, a will, a sword in a lake, a carnivorous snake – looks like Rowling's throwing everything but the kitchen sink at us."

_Chapter Twenty-Five: Shell Cottage_

Griphook: "I have decided to help you, Harry. However, I demand the sword as payment."

HP: "How about gold instead?"

Griphook: "That sword was originally ours. We want it back."

HP: "You can have it after I've used it on the Horcruxes."

HG: "Good thinking, Harry. You're not such a dunderhead at all."

Remus Lupin: "Hey, guess what? Tonks had a boy! With turquoise hair. See ya!"

HP: "Nice to know that there's some occasion for happiness in this grim tale."

_Chapter Twenty-Six: Gringotts_

HG: "I've drunk the Polyjuice Potion, and have become Bellatrix. Now that Ron also looks different, and Harry and Griphook have the Invisibility Cloak, let's go!"

Minor Death Eater: "How lovely to see you, Bellatrix. Wait, why do you have a different wand?"

HG: "Imperio! Boy, I've come a long way since Book One."

MDE: "Of course, ma'am, it's lovely wand."

HG: "Hey, these cart things are like the _It's the Small World _ride at Muggle Disney World. Cool…..Ouch!"

Griphook: "You didn't think it was going to be _easy _to rob the vault, did you?"

HG: "Um…."

HP: "Hey, I got the Hufflepuff cup! Now let's use this conveniently nearby dragon to escape!"

_Chapter Twenty-Seven: The Final Hiding Place_

Harry has a Voldy-vision in which Voldemort tortures a Gringotts goblin who rats out Harry and crew. Voldy then decides to alert Snape that Harry might return to Hogwarts.

HP: "Okay, guys, time to take off again."

_Chapter Twenty-Eight: The Missing Mirror_

HG: "Harry, why are we in Hogsmeade?"

HP: "So we can meet Dumbledore's kinky brother, Aberforth, and he can do more exposition."

HG: "If you say so."

Aberforth: "Hello, all. Guess what, in his youth, Dumbledore was an egotistical prat who neglected his sister in order to pursue fame with a future Dark Wizard. Our dad wound up in prison for killing the Muggles who attacked our sister and drove her mad. …By the way, I've been using this portrait of my sister to communicate with Dumbledore's Army. Go fetch Neville, Ariana, please."

Readers: "No wonder, it took him forever to realize the Dursleys' were a tad dysfunctional."

_Chapter Twenty-Nine: The Lost Diadem_

HP: "Neville, did you get hit with a Whomping Willow?"

NL: "No, I've been tortured by the Death Eaters at Hogwarts. But how are you?"

HP: "Uh, a little concerned about how bad you look."

NL: "Don't worry, I've come a long way since Book One. Did you hear that Hogwarts has become a total Nazi-state, worse than when Umbridge was in charge?"

HP: "Yeah, I kind of figured that out."

In the Room of Requirement

HP: "Hello, all. Despite that you've all risked yourselves to continue this army, I have a kind of _saving people thing_ and want to fight the Dark Lord on my own."

Cho Chang: "First, we'll go up to the Ravenclaw common room to see if the diadem the statue wears is a Horcrux."

Alecto Carrow, Minor Death Eater: "Not so fast, kids!"

_Chapter Thirty: The Sacking of Severus Snape_

Luna Lovegood: "Oh, look, I've stunned him. Cool!"

Random Ravenclaws: "Ding, dong, the Death Eater's dead!"

Another Minor Death Eater: "Professor McGonagall. you'll do as I say, 'cause Voldy's in charge. Besides you're an ugly old bat."

HP: "Not so fast, Minor Death Eater. Crucio!"

Minerva McGonagall: "Oh, Potter, you really shouldn't have."

HP: "Voldy's back, but the students can escape through a passageway into the Hog's Head."

MM: "Hello, Severus. Having a late night?"

SS: "I'm out of here – for good! You won't have Severus Snape to kick around any more."

MM: "He jumped through the window like a big, ole coward. Good riddance."

Almost every character from a previous book who isn't dead appears, ready to fight.

Percy Weasley: "Mum, Dad, I have come to my senses, and realize that I have been acting like a blind, power-hungry prat. Can you forgive me?"

Mrs. Weasley; "Of course. Group hug!"

HP: "Now time for the fight of our lives."

_Chapter Thirty-One: The Battle of Hogwarts_

Voldemort: "There is no need to fight, students and teachers. As long as you are a pureblood, I will treat you right – oh, and as long as you come over to the Dark Side."

Slytherins: "Cool!"

Other Houses: "I don't think so."

HP to Gray Lady: "Hello. Could you tell me how to get the Ravenclaw diadem?"

GL: "I am the ghost of Helena Ravenclaw, daughter of the House founder."

HP: "Look, there's not a lot of time for exposition Voldemort's army is at the gates."

GL: "I told You-Know-Who the location of the diadem. Too bad."

HP: "I will find it anyway because it must be in Hogwarts. I'll check the Room of Requirement because it's not like I've never already been in there. Hello, Draco, where'd you get that wand?"

DM: "My mummy."

Crabbe: "We're going to get you, Harry, and then the Dark Lord'll give us a gold star."

HP: "I don't think so."

Crabbe sets the room on fire, but Harry gets the diadem and escapes with Ron, Hermione and Malfoy.

Readers: "So Crabbe's dead, too. Small loss."

_Chapter Thirty-Two: The Elder Wand_

Voldemort: "Lucius, go get Snape. He's in deep dragon dung."

SS: "Hi, Lord. Some battle, hmm?"

V.: "Shut up. You told me the wand switcheroo would work, and it didn't. What gives?"

SS: "Uh…it should have….honest!"

V: "Whatever. Anyway, you're the true owner of the Elder Wand, since you last used it to kill Dumbledore. In order to master the wand, I must kill you. Dinner, Nagini!"

Readers: "Whoa, wait a minute. Up until now, Snape's been a powerful wizard fending off attack after attack, and now he gets offed by a snake? Does this seem a little strange, anyone?"

HP: "Oh, shoot. I hated you, but I never wanted you dead."

SS: "Here, take these memories. And look at me as I die. Because you…"

Readers; "Have Lily's eyes!"

_Chapter Thirty-Three: The Prince's Tale_

Once upon a time, there was a little boy called Severus Snape who was poor and unhappy and neglected by his Muggle father and witch mother. One day Snape was skulking around the playground like an overgrown bat when he spied a little red-haired Muggle girl by the name of Lily Evans doing magic. They became friends and went off to Hogwarts together. On the train, they met up with future Marauders and seasoned bullies, James Potter and Sirius Black and began a feud. Then Snape was sorted into Slytherin and the other three into Gryffindor. Lily and Snape stayed friends, however, until he called her a Bad Name, and she got fed up with him and the creepy junior Death Eater crowd he was hanging around with. So friendless and scorned, Snape became a Death Eater for real. He helped cause the death of Harry's parents, then repented and came over to Dumbledore's side. Dumbledore eventually asked Snape to commit the greatest sacrifice of all: murder him. Later on, Snape arranged for Harry to receive the Sword of Gryffindor. The end.

Readers: "Wait, we want more! No fair."

Rowling: "You've had your Snape fix. Now back to Harry."

_Chapter Thirty-Four: The Forest Again_

V.: "Bring me Harry Potter."

HP: "Neville, you're my mate, right? Well, I need you to kill Nagini for me."

NL: "Sure thing."

Harry opens the Snitch (remember the Snitch?) and meets his mum, dad and Sirius again.

HP: "Am I dead, guys?"

James Potter: "No, we're just here to say we love you. Remember, no matter what happens, you've got the power of love."

HP: "I love you, too, guys. Group hug!"

V.: "Harry Potter, get your butt over here now."

Voldemort stuns him.

_Chapter Thirty-Five: King's Cross_

HP: "Dumbledore? Am I dead now?

AD: "No, you're not dead yet, Harry. I'm just popping in for more exposition."

HP: "Then exposit away!"

AD: "Well, Harry, _you _were the seventh Horcrux. While Voldemort has your blood in his, you both live. When Voldemort killed you, though, he destroyed the part of his soul that was in you, so now you have your own soul again. Make sense?"

HP: "I guess. As long as I get to live."

AD: "Harry, now that you know my whole history, you shouldn't look up to me anymore. I did very bad things for my own selfish reasons."

HP: "I'll forgive you. Should I go back now?"

AD: "Why not?"

_Chapter Thirty-Six: The Flaw in the Plan_

V.: "I finally have Harry Potter. Is he dead?"

Narcissa Malfoy: "He's dead."

V.: "Okay, good. Hagrid, pick up your friend and bring him here."

Neville Longbottom: "Not so fast."

V.: "You're a pureblood, you can join me if you want."

NL: "I don't think so." Kills Nagini.

HP: "I'm not dead yet! Riddle, you just don't get it, do you? You need to feel remorse to live, and you can't. Plus you aren't the real owner of the Elder Wand."

V. "Why are you suddenly talking like you're in a bad action movie, Harry?"

HP: "Ask J.K. Rowling. You killed my parents and godfather. As well as my owl, my house elf and a lot of others. Prepare to die!"

V. finally does.

Epilogue 

Once upon a time, there was a little boy by the name of Harry Potter. As a schoolboy. he fought many magical battles, and finally defeated the Dark Lord for good. He grew up and married Ginny and had three adorable little children. And Ron and Hermione also got married and had adorable children. And Draco married and had a child who was not particularly adorable, but still bound for Hogwarts at the exact same time as Harry's, Hermione's and Ron's children, thus ensuring rivalry and high jinks for the next generation. And Harry's scar had finally stopped hurting which made him very, very happy. The end!

Readers: "What the heck?"

Rowling: "Too bad. It's my book, and I get to have the final say. Besides I've brought magic and the joy of reading into millions of homes, and what have you done to compare with that?"

Readers: "Touché."

_The end – for good._


End file.
